Saturday, 23 January 2016

Whooping ass

      Her elegance is unique. She has a characteristic long hair unusual for a secondary school teen. Her pointed nose is a conspicuous part of her. The nose is so pointed that a guy once mistook it for a compass during a technical drawing class. She was favourite for most activities in school. Even the male teachers struggle to hide their special preference for this quintessence of beauty. Martha is a girl everyone will want to talk to. I have nurtured a secret attraction for her but somehow I have never gotten the opportunity to give expression to my attraction. I have been looking for a loop hole to get close to her. My chance finally came when I realised her deficiency in Mathematics. It was a perfect opportunity. I began helping with her classworks,exercises and assignment. Just like magic, her scores improved tremendously. When she realised the beneficial effect of our association, she approached our class teacher for a change of seat with the excuse that her seat is directly facing the sun ray. Martha is not the type of girl Mr Anifowose,our class teacher will turn down as she was his favourite student. I was very happy when she started seating beside me.I am now a step closer to getting the Love of my life. I starved myself to make her happy. Buying fishroll and yoghurt for her became a daily routine, trekking home was a new hobby. I was very generous with both my daily feeding allowance and my transport fare.
My dilemma started after I watched a movie that starred Genevieve nnaji and Ramsey Nouah. I was thrilled by the way Ramsey professed her love to Genevieve which led to series of romantic episodes . Using the movie as a case study I drafted a love letter for her.

Dear Martha,

My love for you is like trigonometry God is our hypotenus you are the opposite and I am the adjacent. Allow me to simplify my love for you. If you are a map I will be a Geography teacher and I will show you the location of Love. Just like an essay I will love you to be my introduction my body and my conclusion. I love you.  Please Don't say No.  Your Love,

I enclosed the letter in a white envelope and baptised it with my sister's perfume.
In school the next day,I waited for when she was not in class and I tucked the letter in her bag. Somehow she didn't see the letter till we closed for the day.
I came to school the next day with great enthusiasm I am sure she must have read my letter and our love story will soon kickstart. The first strange thing I noticed that morning was that her mum brought her to school and they headed straight to the principal's office. My dilemma was confirmed when we got to the assembly ground and I saw the principal holding a white envelope. I could recognise the love outline I drew on the envelope from a distance. The die is cast. I am done for. I looked into Martha's eyes and she gave me the most scornful look ever. My legs became shaky and I started panting. When the principal called my name on the assembly. All eyes were on me. I went out before the entire students. Mr Phillip the most brutal teacher in the school was asked to give me 12 strokes. As each strokes landed, I wept uncontrollably not only because of the impact of the cane but also my sacrifices, transport fare,feeding allowance all has been in vain. My love for Martha has turned me to a Martyr.  

Thursday, 10 September 2015


“Four hefty boys from the senior classes! Meet me at the car park immediately” Mr. Alfred yelled from the school corridor.

The students were already familiar with this statement. The last period of the day will be in the car park and the subject of discourse is Alfred’s Volkswagen Beetle. The beetle is the toughest and most stubborn subject in the whole school. The car engine will not start until it is pushed round the school’s expanse of land. Even the school authority, fully aware of the herculean nature of the task provides extra meals for the chosen ones. The boys have developed Hulkesque muscles because of this daily routine. For effective pushing, the principal set up a new portfolio tagged “pushing prefect”. The job of the pushing prefect is to coordinate boys daily for effective pushing.
  The school was thrown into wild jubilation the day Mr. Alfred drove his newly acquired Mercedes Benz 230-E through the school gate. The mood on the assembly ground that day was ecstatic. The senior boys danced with extra vigor. Even the teachers were all beaming with smiles. It was indeed a joyous day for all, except for the pushing prefect whose command is under threat.
The joy was short lived. The new car took after its predecessor and the push routine started again.  The office of the Pushing Prefect came alive once more. It seems Mr. Alfred is destined to use cars with ignition problem.
 His valedictory speech on his retirement day was inspiring. He ended the speech with “Keep pushing through life” The audience rolled in laughter and thereafter took turns to take pictures with him. All that is left for the students to push now is their Academics.

Unlike Alfred’s car, stop pushing and start pressing

Press Faith to neutralize Fear
Press Giving for Increase
Press the word for empowerment
Press souls to the kingdom for advancement
Press love for peaceful living
Press JESUS into your heart and enter into rest
Press! Press!! Press!!!


Monday, 25 August 2014


The birds were chirping. The sun came up earlier. Yet another day. I
woke up trembling. I have always been stubborn and naughty as a young
child. I had just played another prank the day before which my younger
sister had sworn heaven and earth to tell my mum when she comes back.
That might be the reason why I am trembling because I knew all hell
will be let loose when my mum arrives. But there is something unusual
about this trembling it couldn't have been the lashes I would receive
that is scaring me. Trust me I am experienced when it comes to
receiving lashes.
My nerves are betraying me already. Trepidation took over me like someone
enroute the gallows. I started doing some house chores. At least if my
Mother sees the house in a clean state, the dishes sparkling and 
other chores I wouldn't have done normally, she
might waved my punishment. 
My younger sister still resolute in her
plan to rat me out and get me into trouble. Its futile begging her.  I
was even praying she reports to my Dad instead because my Dad just got
back. But her callousness won't allow her to tell my Dad because she
knows offences like playing around,breaking things, dismantling
gadgets, and other similar categories are always trivial before my
Dad. The only thing my Dad flogs for is lies and not owing up to your
fault. Obviously he is not the best person to report to,if She really
wants me to be punished. "Come and open the gate for me I want to go
and pick your mum" Ghen!! Ghen!! Ghen!! My heart skipped. That was my
dad telling me to open the gate.  It was a period of mixed feelings.
The thought of seeing her made me very happy but the thought of my
offence diluted it. Strangely, The thought of seeing my mum triumph
over any offence I might have commited. 
Suddenly my fear was replaced
with eagerness and enthusiasm to see my sweetest Mum and rush into
her. Placed my head on her chest like I always do and welcome her. At
this moment my offence is trivial am just happy that my Dad is going to
get my Mum. Even my Dad drove the car out with great enthusiasm. You
need to see the glow in his eyes. He is going to get his better half.
Someone who has been a part of his life for more than two decades.
Their Love is one of the most enviable phenomenon ever.

I put finishing touches to my chores and I anticipated their arrival.
Deliberately I didn't involve my sister in the chores because I want
to score all the points to myself.Three hours has passed,yet they
are not back. I was beginning to get restless.  Suddenly there was a
knock on the door I was expecting a car hoot not a knock. I opened the
gate and was surprised to see my Dad. "Where is the car? What of my
mum?" I fired at him. "The car is fine, I parked it over there" He
replied. "What of Mummy?" I queried. She is okay too. I..."Where is
She?" I cut in....

My Dad's eye said it all. His feelings betrayed him. His eyes gave
way. His breathing heightens. I need no further prompting. Something
terrible has happened. My Dad has never been in such dejected and
vulnerable state. I didn't know where the word came from but it echoed
in my ears "She is no more"
No wonder he didn't return with the car he is not in the psychological
state of mind to drive. He abandoned the car somewhere on the road and
made his way home.  I felt weakness from within. I was lost.
Weeping is a healthy response to shock. Denial is the first and most
devastating stage of shock. I was in Denial state "No It can't be, pls
come home and punish me now Mummy because I was very stubborn and
naughty  in your absence. My sister want to report me and you need to
" Those were the statements I was repeating for several hours.


She never came back. Who will my sister report to? I wanted my
punishment badly in a twist of fate .

She never came back. My hopes were dashed. I thought the world has
ended. Some said it to my ear "You are Done" I suddenly realised my
life is all about her. It looked like I am finished.

But truly if I am Finished, I won't be writing this piece. JESUS came
and fill the void. Yes the Memoirs still Lingers. She can't be
forgotten. But looking back its been seven years."I am not FINISHED"
"I am SOMETHING" Yes. I am DONE But am only DONE with devilish
oppressions and principalities because JESUS created a Standard that
distinguished me.

Are you Oppressed?Depressed? Broken or fed up. Come to JESUS now. I
come to you as a Witness. Is the Devil REPORTING and TORMENTING YOU?
JESUS is the answer. I have tasted JESUS and Joy radiates from within
me. No Burden, No worries. Just Joy unspeakable.

Pray Like this,

Lord Jesus I submit totally to you. And I invite you totally into my
life. Govern me Lord. Fix me andSave me.  My soul thirsts for you. I
believe you are the Lord JESUS my saviour. I open up my heart to you
Father. Save me.

As simple as it is you are now a new creature. Attend any Bible
believing church near you and enjoy the Love of God.  If you pray the
prayer above. please mail me at I really
want to hear from you and also play a part in this new path you have
If you are saved already. Bless a soul by broadcasting this till we populate God's kingdom further through his grace.

Jesus Loves You.

Wednesday, 19 February 2014


O boy! See this chic. The girl set like settee. See shape now. This girl na quadrilateral I swear he be like make i just dey calculate angles wey dey her body.”

“By the time I whine am for him. hin papa go die today. Na military approach I go use Both frontal and rear assault. No one can behold it without being an emotional casualty forget ooooo.

 Lot of thoughts flashed through his mind as he connects his phone to the electric outlet. Steve has just concluded an online chat with Clara and both of them have agreed to meet later that evening. He hurriedly dashed into his wardrobe, picked one of his heavily starched shirt and pressed it so hard till the shirt begins to rumble like a carton. Then he reached for his mouth wash. He can’t afford to let his mouth odour stand in the way that night. So he soaked his mouth with the wash right from afternoon. He knew how stubborn and recalcitrant his mouth odour is, hence the lethal approach he employed. Having done this he headed for the bathroom and gave himself a very good scrub. He scrubbed himself so hard that he was almost bleeding. What else do you expect when someone use scrubbing brush to scrub his skin while bathing.
After leaving the bathroom, he picked up his phone and sent a text to his friend. The message reads ‘’Olu , I will be needing your car in the next one hour. I just caught a fish that must not escape. Am counting on you padi. I should have called but i dey soak my mouth presently. Thanks in advance’’.

The sound of her name brought her back to reality. She has been lost in thought over her date with Steve later that night and how she intend to maximise it.
“Clara, You have been in front of that mirror for over two hours. Tell me Babe what is going down?” Ada inquired. “Nothing much ooo, I met this guy online today and we are going on a date tonight” Clara replied.  Ada was very excited on hearing this. She walked towards the mirror and helped her friend with the makeup and other necessary transformations. Both of them knew she has to look like the heavily photoshoped picture she used online. It was a really tedious task trying to transform her.  “I think you need to apply that blush over there, can you fix that it’s too thick, let it come down a bit can you mascara my nose for me cos there was a shadow in the online pix. And pls get me some candy my tongue needs to be pink. This white patches on my tongue na bad market. Who say make this  pimples come out today can you make it look like dimples  and that stretch mark please add some pancake so it will blend. I think my hair is too hard let’s add more oils to make it curly. I think my nails are rusty can you fix that and that heat rash on my neck. Help sandpaper i"t. By the time they completed all the manipulations Clara was surprised at the stranger in her own mirror. She couldn’t help but laugh at the depth of their deceit. She turned to her friend and hailed her “Indeed you are a genius”

Their date is slated for 7pm. The plan is for Steve to pick her up at a rendezvous after which they will go straight to the eatery Clara picked. Trust ladies, she picked a really expensive outlet for the occasion. An eatery where you pay even for using toothpicks. Everything went on as planned. By 7; 16 pm Clara showed up at the rendezvous and they drove straight to Pocket confidence cuisines. It was a good date overall. Their discussion span through several areas. Clara really enjoyed the date. In her mind she has already fallen for Steve’s sense of humour and confidence. On the other hand, Steve too is fascinated with her gorgeous appearance. They finished their meal and Steve walked her to the car.  Before he ignited the engine, he bent over in an attempt to initiate a kiss. Clara got the signal and smiled invitingly. It was a time for him to feast on her vanilla flavoured lip stick. “We had better go. Its getting late” Clara said as she broke the kiss. Steve retreated with a smile. “Well the night is still young. I planned a two phase date. We just ended the first phase. The second phase will be at my apartment.” Clara tried to put up some weak resistance before she succumbed to his demand. Steve was very happy in his mind he has conquered, He fired the engine and backed out into the streets and headed towards his apartment. The cloud is gathering and it is obvious that it is going to rain. Steve switched to gear five in an effort to get to his house before the rain started. “hope my driving is not scary?” He asked as she turned to her.  She replied with a grin “well, I am trying to cope”. Suddenly the car begins to jerk. Steve was shocked. It was a really wrong time for the car to break down because the rain has already started amidst heavy wind.  “It can’t be fuel I just filled the tank” He tried to calm Clara “It’s okay Baby let me just look at the battery terminals” he got down inside the rain tried to do some manoeuvre  with the battery and the kick starters and tried to start the engine again The engine still refuse to come up. By then his clothe has been heavily drenched. The starched shirt has deflated in ego and its already sticking to his body firmly. Obviously He is disturbed. The car is messing up his plans. Clara was trying to hide her impatience so she was putting up some false sympathy for the situation at hand. The rain made it difficult to see anyone to render help.  His best option is to push the car and jump start it. The problem is there is no way he could push the car alone not to now talk of pushing a fully grown adult with it. Clara had to come down. “Baby I am going to inconvenient you a bit please can you come down for some minutes while I push this car to start ?” She has no choice but to get down in the rain amidst the heavy wind. She couldn’t do anything to help she was trying her best not to be irresponsible or a gold digger otherwise she would have flagged down one of the approaching vehicles and leave the scene. With a super effort Steve pushed the car down the road jumped into it, manipulated the clutch and the engine came back to life. He heaved a sigh of relief as he revved the engine. He reversed to pick the heavily soaked Clara so they can continue their journey. Steve kept on apologising for the hitch. Clara too was uncomfortable with her current state. The rain had washed off all the foundations. The wrinkles are coming back to view The wind has destroyed the outline of her hair thereby making her oblong forehead to be visible. The rain has exposed her. Steve hasn’t discover yet He was focusing on the road so they could get home safely. In minutes Steve pulled up at his apartment ‘Thank God’ He exclaimed as he turned to Clara. He switched the inner light on to behold the face of his angel. He was surprised at the stranger he saw. Could he have picked the wrong person? Nevertheless he hid his disappointment and said “Baby are you alright?” Not until then he didn’t realise he is also done for. The effect of the mouth wash has waned. His toxic mouth odour is back.  Both of them are gradually seeing each other in the real sense. A look of exhaustion is seen on Clara’s face. She has encountered enough for a night ‘You know what Steve can you drop me off in my place then we fix another date. Am already tired” She said. ‘I understand you” Steve replied trying not to open his mouth too wide so as not too aggravate the current situation. He attempted to turn on the ignition but the engine refuse to splutter. They finally agreed to get a bike to convey Clara home. They both walked to the main road and waved a bike man. Steve paid the man and they bade each other goodbye. Steve entered his apartment heavily disappointed. Surprisingly despite the way events turns out he still feels something strong for Clara.  He picked up his phone and sent a message...

Baby I still love you for who you are. Hope you will take me as I am too. Pardon my deception. You could have backed out when i exposed you to the rain yet you still tarried. More than the blush or mascara. My love is greater than all of those please can we go on a better date tomorrow”

She replied him after one hour.....

“Steve I love you too. I appreciate you a lot. I know your deceptions were targeted at making me comfortable. Pardon my deceptions too. I appreciate you a lot. My love is greater than your breath. I will be waiting at our rendezvous tomorrow. Let’s go for a real date this time. Good night dear.”


I am @asiricomedy on twitter


Tuesday, 10 December 2013


The way I was brought up was really different from every other child in my age group. My parents have evolved means of shielding me from peer pressure. I am very sure there are many people like me too. You will understand what it means to be confined within the compound.
 For kids that were raised like this, they cherish the short times they have to interact. Maybe during school hours or when they are sent on an errand. I belong to a clique unknown to my parents in school. This clique is my second family. In my clique, everyone claims to come from a rich home. Is either one person is talking about their latest car and the other one talking about their magnificent building. So as not to feel odd I too will come up with hosts of creative tales to let them know that we are rich. One of my friends Banjo had always boasted of their magnificent house, their beautiful dogs and their wide swimming pool. His description of their building always left us bewildered. Most of us fantasized and marvel at the tales he has told us about their house. So on a particular day after lesson hours we decided that we will follow Banjo to their earthly paradise. We want to go and behold the edifice. Our decision to follow him took him by surprise. He tried to discourage us because of their dogs. According to him, their dogs does not entertain any stranger. We all insisted so he was helpless. The long walk to their paradise was tiring but we endured in the spirit of adventure. Banjo was quiet all through the walk. He was sweating vigorously like someone about to be used for sacrifice. WE made a turn and we entered a residential street. All of a sudden we saw a young girl running towards our direction. It’s really obvious that the young kid just finished taking garri. Judged by the patterns the garri drew on her mouth. She was bare footed and her pant is extremely dirty. She must have just finished playing in the sand. To our greatest surprise. The girl jumped and threw herself over Banjo. Lo and Behold the girl is banjo’s blood sister. As if that was not enough another young lad presented himself clutching a a plate of beans to his chest. He also had garri patterns on his head. That was Banjo’s brother Junior. His two siblings must have splashed garri on each other while playing. We all tried to avoid junior because his hand is heavily stained with palm oil they used in cooking the beans. At least we appreciate the kids for heralding our arrival. They led us straight to their house.
 Who knows Banjo could have led us elsewhere. The first thing we saw as we entered their house was the swimming pool he talked about. It was a unique one. A very thick gutter that could accommodate battalions of mosquitoes. The stench from the gutter almost got us unconscious. We had to take turns jumping over this special swimming pool before we could enter. The confusion on our faces was becoming apparent. Could this be the paradise? The building was a face me I face you and they were not the only occupants. They share the building with five other occupants. Right at the corridor a woman was breastfeeding a set of twins. Each of the baby grabbing the milk tap. Another was cooking soup. The smell of the soup was nauseating. We couldn’t even distinguish whether it is a soup or herbal concoction. Finally we entered their living room and we met Banjo’s mum doing justice to the Ewedu they will take for dinner. We all prostrated for the woman. She responded and was quite surprise at the reason behind our visit. We all sat down. The way we sunk on that seat was frightening. It was as if we were going underground. The chairs have seen better days. The springs were pricking our buttocks right from within. And we were trying our best not to reveal our discomfort in the presence of Banjo’s mum. Suddenly Ade the shortest member of our cliques jumped up and screamed. A rats has made its way into his trouser. There was mild confusion for some seconds. Ade had to pull off his trouser before the rats could escape. Banjo’s mum apologized and asserted in a sarcastic way that the rats are part of their household and that is their way of welcoming visitors. It was an opportunity to let out some laughter. We laughed and exchanged gazes to reveal our disappointments. Banjo’s mum ordered him to give us water. He instantly fetched a cup from their dusty shelf and dipped it right into the clay pot. He brought the water out used his mouth to blow off some dirt then he presented the water to us. We collected it but none of us drank the water. I signed to my friends that it is time to go. So we all rose up. We have had enough for the day. The mother insisted that we eat but we respectfully turn it off. None of us is ready to develop cholera yet. We left the living room and advanced towards the exit. At a corner of the door were two pregnant goats tied to the door post. I concluded in my heart that the goats must have been the dangerous dogs he warned us about earlier on. Truly the goats made a sound as we approach them but it’s a sound of hunger not aggression. Immediately we left their house we all burst in an uncontrollable laughter. Banjo was really embarrassed we made jest of him so much that he was crying. He angrily left us and refuse to walk us back to our respective homes. We laughed so hard that our belly was aching. Later we parted ways and decided to meet at school the next day. Back in school the next day news have spread round the school about our adventure, everyone seems to enjoy the gist especially the girls, they were all whispering and laughing. It was a real bad day for Banjo. We decided that at the end of school that day we will visit Ade’s apartment too. Ade had also boasted about their fleet of cars. Ade couldn’t concentrate again since he realized his house is the next stop. To worsen the situation two girls from our class have agreed to follow us too. Ade didn’t really boast much so even if he lied his own won’t be as worse as Banjo’s. To cut the long story short, We got to Ade’s house. Everything was going fine although we didn’t see any fleet of cars. All we saw in their compound was his dad’s Peugeot 504 and five wheelbarrows. It was a fleet of wheelbarrows not cars. And in another corner of their fence, a mat was spread. His dad was fast asleep in the living room when he entered, Judged by the way he was snoring the day must have been hectic for him. The dad woke up shortly after we entered and we all greeted him. His mum really entertained us well. The day didn’t turn out adventurous like the previous one. Finally we rose up to go. As we were leaving Ade’s mum shouted from inside “ Before you see your friend’s off, Don’t forget to remove your mat from the fence ooo it should have dried since morning” Ghen! Ghen!! Ghen!!! Ghen!!!! The day has ended badly for Ade. Thanks to his mum, we won’t have known he is a professional bed wetter. We all laughed on our way back to our respective homes. The girl laughed harder. Then my own GHen ghen ghen ghen struck. My house is the next on the tour. They are coming to my house the next day to see all the things I have boasted about like the solar powered TV, CCTV sensor, automated voice sensor gate, the Jacuzzi with an inbuilt massager, the tiger skin sofa, queen Elizabeth’s dog that was given to my dad as a gift when he went to visit the queen of England, my specially built customized video game. Yeepa! The list is endless I am done for. I know you want to know what happened when they came to my house. It was a really serious encounter.

 Let me break your heart like Nollywood movies. Watch out for Most deceitful Part 2

ff @asiricomedy on twitter and feel free to drop your comments. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013


“Ladies and Gentlemen It has been a great time with you. I wish the newly wedded couple Happy married life. And for the intending ones I pray that it will come to pass. Don’t hesitate to call me for your events on this number and you can as well as have my complimentary card.” In my usual style I concluded the wedding reception programme very early and promptly headed towards the park because I have another event to anchor that same day. I can’t miss the event for anything because something tells me I will be able to gather money to buy my first car at the event because it is a royal event. What a dream! I thought I will be able to board a car but to my greatest surprise all the cars were nowhere to be found at the park so I had no choice than to enter a 18 seater bus waiting patiently for it to be filled. An idea came to my mind that I should board a bike. But taking a bike from Akure to Abeokuta is more than a suicide attempt. Luckily for me the bus filled up earlier than I expected so the journey started. The woman beside me clutched a baby to her chest All of a sudden the baby began to cry. She had no choice than to bring out the gigantic milk reservoir located in the front of her chest to silence the baby. The milk tank was too big for the kid’s mouth and for a moment I was tempted to help her set it so it can fit the baby’s mouth perfectly. Thank God I came back to my senses earlier. It would have been another story that touches. I was trying not to gaze but I didn’t know why my eyes was looking into her direction constantly. I didn’t know the woman was an Ibadan woman. She noticed my prying eyes and reacted in anger. She turned to me and said “Abi eyin naa fe mu ni? Meaning “Do you want to suck too?” Deep within me I wanted to say yes. As a matter of fact I was about bringing out a straw to honour her gesture. But Even a fool knows it is an insulting sarcasm to caution my probing eyes. I was seriously embarrassed but I pretended she wasn’t talking to me. Thank God only few people heard it. I looked away and I focused my mind on the event I was going for, formulating jokes in my mind and even looking for a way to add my recent encounter with the woman to my list of jokes. I didn’t know more is still coming. The lady sitting on my right had already started dozing. On two occasions she had bounced her head against the rod in front of her. She couldn’t handle it again and she succumbed to her instinct. I thought I was dreaming when I discovered that the lady had actually laid her head on my chest. To me it is a dream come true because have been looking for a way to feel the texture of her hair. I didn’t complain. In fact I adjusted my chest well so that she can be comfortable. She slept so soundly on my chest that for a moment I was beginning to think Vitafoam can consider my chest for an advert or even consider me as their ambassador in place of Funke Akindele. All of a sudden, I started feeling a wet impulse on my shirt. I looked up to see if it is the bus that is leaking but even if the bus is leaking, presently it is not raining. The damsel resting on my chest was actually drooling. Her saliva is already giving my suit a branded pattern. What! “I am done for” I exclaimed. In anger I gave her head a very hard knock She instantly woke up and looked into my eyes. She is yet to realise what she has done. On realisation she started apologising. I felt like slapping her if only she knows what i went through before I got the suit she just soiled. I controlled myself and said “But why, your mouth no get control? ” she was just saying sorry, she brought out a white handkerchief from her bag and mopped the mess off my suit. Her touch while mopping the suit actually pacified my anger and I just started smiling uncontrollably. To crown it all she brought out a perfume and sprayed it on the affected area. What an experience! Trust guys now such a thing cannot just go like that. I activated my P setting mode and I began to explore the situation. I collected her number and I saved it as “Saliva lady” we started talking but she dozed off not quite long again but this time around she rested on her bag. Let her drool on the bag it’s her own. We have completed more than 70 percent of the journey. I looked at the time I still have 15 minutes more. In desperation I was urging the driver to step on the gas. I almost took the wheel from him. The other passengers did not agree with my idea of hurrying the driver they shouted me down. To heighten my frustration one woman voiced out from the back “Pls driver you have to stop I wan shit. The thing don dey hold me since. I don mess tire abegi stop else i go shit for bodi ”. The driver had no choice than to pull over and the woman came down hurriedly and dashed into the bush even from our position we could hear the bokoharamic sound of her anus. She must have been suffering from jedijedi for long. The woman used 17 minutes in the bush. I was impatient and silently praying that something should delay the event so I can meet up. The woman entered and the journey resumed. In no time we got to the final bus stop. I got down and hurriedly picked a bike to the venue. I was lucky to meet up because a lot of politicians are present. If I didn’t enter on time the SSS officials will deny me entrance. They ushered me to the podium immediately. I didn’t even have time to relax and freshen up and I started doing my thing. As I was dropping one of my lines, my eyes caught a figure among the servers. It was “Saliva lady” she is part of the servers. I doubt if she won’t spice the food with saliva. I am @asiricomedy on twitter

Friday, 9 August 2013


Who bore them? I can never be intimidated. I am a man now. How will someone come to my house and rob me of my possessions. We will iron it out man to man. For your information I had once being a thug and I have been at the forefront of several riots. I have received several bullets and here I am standing unscathed. So forget. I remain unshaken.
Alaran community is one of the greatest in Onidodo local government area. The community is widely famous for their cooperation and the team spirit with which they achieve great communal developments even without the government’s involvement. One of the peculiar things about them is, there is no discrimination among them. The rich and the poor, the elites and the illiterates, the gentle and the stubborn all sit together to discuss developmental issues.
The people of Alaran community woke up in the early hours of Friday the 7th of August only to discover a letter on each of their doorsteps. The men of the underworld have sent them the world scariest proposal. A proposal you don’t need to approve before it is done. The proposal was printed on a letter headed paper bearing the name of the organisation. The proposal reads:

“Proposal to Forcibly Claim Your Possessions through Lethal and Violent Means”
We, the above named organisation hereby write to inform you that we will be coming exactly a week from the date of receipt of this letter to transact business with you. Our demands are not much. Make sure your fridge is stocked with different assorted food items because we will be coming in very hungry. Make sure you have enough cash in your possessions or else hell will be let loose and make sure your door is not locked at the time of our arrival. Fuel your Generator and subscribe on your T.V decoders because we will watch a whole film on Africamagic before we leave. Do not attempt to call the police because the ammunitions we are coming with is nothing compared to the bamboo tree the police carry about that they call gun.
                                                                             Yours Violently,

In response to this letter, the leaders of the community immediately convene a meeting of all house owners. The meeting was held amidst great tensions. Several people came up with different ideas on how to tackle the impending problem. One of the popular figures in Alaran community is a man named “Dongoyaro”. Dongoyaro is a dreaded member of the community. His body frame and physique is really intimidating. He has worked as a political mercenary for top government officials. During the last election He made away with a whole lot of ballot boxes despite the presence of armed security operatives. He is indeed a tough man. His muscular frame has prevented him from driving a car. The last time he drove a car the steering divided into two half while he was turning the wheel. He tried riding a bike too but he failed his hands and weight was too strong for the motorcycle, the motorcycle compressed immediately he mounted on it. Dogonyaro once had a quarrel with Kasali the cobbler. Kasali was unfortunate to have been a victim of Dogonyaro’s slap. Immediately the slap landed on Kasali’s cheek He started laughing uncontrollably and he started mentioning his ancestors one by one. According to him, he said he was seeing them in a trance. Kasali’s slap is enough to send one into a spiritual realm just like it happened to Kasali. Kasali recovered from the slap after two months although the scar still lingers on his face. A critical look at the face you will think he was badly burnt in a fire incident.
That day when Dogonyaro stood up to speak nobody doubted him. He assured them that nothing will happen. He beats his chest several times reassuring them that nothing will happen. At the end of the meeting they all resolved that Dogonyaro will be leading other young men from the community on a 24 hour vigilante tour round the community for the next couple of days so as to avert the impending threat.
The vigilante group marked out strategies on how to forestall a great security in preparation for the D day of the threat. The numbers of men were tripled on the real day the underworld men promised to come. Everybody was at alert. Different people brandishes different weapon. Dogonyaro proudly brandished his sharp cutlass. He raised it up and said proudly “With this cutlass I have disarmed several men. I have intimidated even military officials with this cutlass. Today will not be an exception”. He spat on the ground after that statement.
That night everyone was awake in the whole community fearfully awaiting the arrival of their visitors. As at 2am there was still no sign of them. The clock ticked past 3, 4 and in a short while it was daybreak. Dogonyaro laughed hysterically and boasted. “Ï told you, they dare not come. They must have been intimidated by our tactics” He further stated that the vigilante tour will continue, stressing that they can’t afford to let down their guard so they won’t be caught unaware. He dismissed the group for a while and told them to resume early for the night session.
Exactly a month after the underworld men wrote the letter. They came as promised to raid the community. The vigilante group has not stopped work. Their tactics are still intact. On this fateful day, Dogonyaro was not around. He travelled the day before to take care of his aged mother in the village. So Bafara was the one coordinating the vigilante that day. Bafara is not an energetic person like Dogonyaro but he believed so much in charms. Bafara had charmed so many people in the community. A notable one is the case of Awero. Bafara turned Awero to an Albino just because she turned down his marriage proposal.
The robbers entered Alaran from a route unknown to anyone till date. They bypassed the heavily armed vigilante and advanced into the community robbing each house in turns. While the robbery was going on, most of the unsuspecting vigilante group were at the community borders awaiting their arrival. The vigilante patrol group were the first to notice that there has been a breach. They instantly alerted the men at the borders so they came in full force to attack the underworld men. With Dogonyaro’s absence most of them were not confident. Bafara their leader suddenly realised that all his charms are nothing compare to the sound of sophisticated weapons he is hearing from a distance. Everyone was looking into each others eye. Who will bell the cat? Who will front the attack? No one is confident enough. They all decided to lay ambush for them while the robbers carried on in the community without any hindrance. Ambush is actually an excuse for their fear of facing them.
In less than one hour the underworld men has raided almost all the houses in the community. The last house to raid is Chief Dahunsi’s residence. The house is heavily fenced and sealed with Barb wire. The robbers saw that it is impossible to gain entry into Dahunsi’s residence so they decided to take their leave. But Dahunsi’s plan for them was different. From the top of his house He aimed his double barrel and fired at one of the robbers. The bullet landed on his thigh. The robbers immediately exchanged fire. It seems Chief Dahunsi has been expecting them. He immediately changed position found another comfortable position to shoot and let out another shot. This one killed one of the robbers because it landed on his skull. The robbers sensing danger immediately retreated. They tried to help their colleague  that was shot on the thigh but He was too heavy to be carried from the hot zone. Chief Dahunsi fired another shot which narrowly missed one of the robbers. The robbers had no choice. They left their colleague the injured one and the dead one and escaped with the loot.
Chief Dahunsi seems to be the hero for the night. When the cowardly vigilante group noticed that the gun fire had ceased. They moved in to the community trying to stage a false attack. They rushed to Chief Dahunsi”s residence and behold they saw two masked men on the ground. One dead the other one badly injured. By then women and young children had rushed out from their homes each weeping and lamenting over the properties they have lost and the incompetence of the vigilante group. Everyone was lauding Chief Dahunsi for his heroic act. The people vented their anger on the injured robber. They kicked, stoned and even spat on him. Chief Dahunsi came out of his house and everyone hailed him. He advanced towards the injured robber and unmasked him. The crowd behold the face of their very own “DONGOYARO”.

ff @asiricomedy