SALIVA LADY

“Ladies and Gentlemen It has been a great time with you. I wish the newly wedded couple Happy married life. And for the intending ones I pray that it will come to pass. Don’t hesitate to call me for your events on this number and you can as well as have my complimentary card.” In my usual style I concluded the wedding reception programme very early and promptly headed towards the park because I have another event to anchor that same day. I can’t miss the event for anything because something tells me I will be able to gather money to buy my first car at the event because it is a royal event. What a dream! I thought I will be able to board a car but to my greatest surprise all the cars were nowhere to be found at the park so I had no choice than to enter a 18 seater bus waiting patiently for it to be filled. An idea came to my mind that I should board a bike. But taking a bike from Akure to Abeokuta is more than a suicide attempt. Luckily for me the bus filled up earlier than I expected so the journey started. The woman beside me clutched a baby to her chest All of a sudden the baby began to cry. She had no choice than to bring out the gigantic milk reservoir located in the front of her chest to silence the baby. The milk tank was too big for the kid’s mouth and for a moment I was tempted to help her set it so it can fit the baby’s mouth perfectly. Thank God I came back to my senses earlier. It would have been another story that touches. I was trying not to gaze but I didn’t know why my eyes was looking into her direction constantly. I didn’t know the woman was an Ibadan woman. She noticed my prying eyes and reacted in anger. She turned to me and said “Abi eyin naa fe mu ni? Meaning “Do you want to suck too?” Deep within me I wanted to say yes. As a matter of fact I was about bringing out a straw to honour her gesture. But Even a fool knows it is an insulting sarcasm to caution my probing eyes. I was seriously embarrassed but I pretended she wasn’t talking to me. Thank God only few people heard it. I looked away and I focused my mind on the event I was going for, formulating jokes in my mind and even looking for a way to add my recent encounter with the woman to my list of jokes. I didn’t know more is still coming. The lady sitting on my right had already started dozing. On two occasions she had bounced her head against the rod in front of her. She couldn’t handle it again and she succumbed to her instinct. I thought I was dreaming when I discovered that the lady had actually laid her head on my chest. To me it is a dream come true because have been looking for a way to feel the texture of her hair. I didn’t complain. In fact I adjusted my chest well so that she can be comfortable. She slept so soundly on my chest that for a moment I was beginning to think Vitafoam can consider my chest for an advert or even consider me as their ambassador in place of Funke Akindele. All of a sudden, I started feeling a wet impulse on my shirt. I looked up to see if it is the bus that is leaking but even if the bus is leaking, presently it is not raining. The damsel resting on my chest was actually drooling. Her saliva is already giving my suit a branded pattern. What! “I am done for” I exclaimed. In anger I gave her head a very hard knock She instantly woke up and looked into my eyes. She is yet to realise what she has done. On realisation she started apologising. I felt like slapping her if only she knows what i went through before I got the suit she just soiled. I controlled myself and said “But why, your mouth no get control? ” she was just saying sorry, she brought out a white handkerchief from her bag and mopped the mess off my suit. Her touch while mopping the suit actually pacified my anger and I just started smiling uncontrollably. To crown it all she brought out a perfume and sprayed it on the affected area. What an experience! Trust guys now such a thing cannot just go like that. I activated my P setting mode and I began to explore the situation. I collected her number and I saved it as “Saliva lady” we started talking but she dozed off not quite long again but this time around she rested on her bag. Let her drool on the bag it’s her own. We have completed more than 70 percent of the journey. I looked at the time I still have 15 minutes more. In desperation I was urging the driver to step on the gas. I almost took the wheel from him. The other passengers did not agree with my idea of hurrying the driver they shouted me down. To heighten my frustration one woman voiced out from the back “Pls driver you have to stop I wan shit. The thing don dey hold me since. I don mess tire abegi stop else i go shit for bodi ”. The driver had no choice than to pull over and the woman came down hurriedly and dashed into the bush even from our position we could hear the bokoharamic sound of her anus. She must have been suffering from jedijedi for long. The woman used 17 minutes in the bush. I was impatient and silently praying that something should delay the event so I can meet up. The woman entered and the journey resumed. In no time we got to the final bus stop. I got down and hurriedly picked a bike to the venue. I was lucky to meet up because a lot of politicians are present. If I didn’t enter on time the SSS officials will deny me entrance. They ushered me to the podium immediately. I didn’t even have time to relax and freshen up and I started doing my thing. As I was dropping one of my lines, my eyes caught a figure among the servers. It was “Saliva lady” she is part of the servers. I doubt if she won’t spice the food with saliva. I am @asiricomedy on twitter