There are different types of churches. I have been privileged to attend several churches so I am familiar with diverse doctrines. There was this church we use to attend back then. If you attend this church you don’t need to hit the gym again to build muscles. The rigorous clapping patterns, the jumping and somersaulting etc is enough to bring out the HULK in you. Our prayer meetings come with different themes. Monday morning is a special session tagged “Agahaowaing your life to greatness” it is a special prayer session where for every prayer points, you somersault 7 times before you start praying just like the super eagles player Julius Agahaowa. This session results in different casualties. A particular case i can’t forget is the case of a man that somersaulted and landed in the church sewage tank. It took the intervention of the ushers although he has consumed a considerable amount of maggot garnished shit before he was rescued. Most old people in the church have developed rheumatism due to the nature of this prayer meeting.
Wednesday evening is another time for a meeting tagged “Breaking the arsenewenger curse” This is a prayer meeting for people that are not experiencing promotion in their work, students that have written JAMB and WAEC several times with no success and people that have failed at the final stages of their advancement. The meeting is also for housewives that unconsciously break glass cups while cooking. During this meeting, the pastor specially anoints this people with a special anointing oil called “Mourinhoic oil” after which testimonies follow. One of the sessions I always want to avoid is the communion session. Unlike other churches, we all take the wine from the same cup so it is an avenue to aggregate mouth odour of various degrees. There was a particular service where I was unlucky enough to be beside this aged woman. She took the wine before me and I noticed that she really blessed the wine with her buccal venom. When it was my turn, I had to fake a stomach condition and run out of the church. There are other times when you have no choice than to take the wine irrespective of your partner. Indeed the kingdom of communion suffereth violence and the church taketh the wine by force.
I was once a member of the choir but I had to leave because the technical team told me my voice is a potential threat to their amplifier. I can never forget the day I sang during a crusade and a deaf church member left his seat to give me a dirty slap before he collected the microphone from me. The deaf man claimed to hear my croaky voice even in his state of deafness. Since that day I knew singing is not my calling.
We have some church members that comes for service only on festive days .you know them by the size of their headgear (gele). They have a popular slogan which is “our headgear is meant for our Oga at the top. You see their headgear competing with the ceiling fan during service. One woman was once trapped by NEPA power line. Her head gear got hooked by the wire .She was lucky that the wire was not powered by electric current when it happened she would have known who the real Oga at the Top is. After that encounter she changed her slogan from “my headgear is meant for my oga at the top” to “my headgear is meant for the wire at the top”. My church is blessed with so many disc jockey (DJ). You won’t know until when it is time for sermon. You hear different snoring pattern from different angles. You have no choice than to start looking around and look for who is mixing the beats.the sound of some snoring rhymes with that of a piano so if you are not careful you will think their snoring is an instrumental backup for the pastor’s message. To them pastor’s sermon is a catalyst for sleep. Even patients suffering from insomnia receive their miracle during this period. The ushers dares not wake them. Earlier in the month an old man threw a tantrum when an usher woke him to listen to the pastor’s sermon. The man rained curses on the girl and that was the end of service that day. The pastor couldn’t complete the sermon again. We had to share the benediction and that was the end of service. I would have loved to complete this story but i won’t want to say one thing now and my oga at top will say it is another thing. You can visit my church website on WW.cobol. dat is all.
follow
No comments:
Post a Comment