EXAM

One of the most dreaded moments for a student is the period of Examination. This is a period where ladies forget their sophisticated makeup and hairdo. They then settle for the local and time saving ones like suku, patewo, kolese etc. Who has time to put on a Brazilian hairdo during an examination period? Even if you put on a Brazilian hair to write a Nigerian exam it is obvious that you are the author of your own confusion. How won’t you be confused in the exam hall? You want to use a Brazilian head to solve a Nigerian Exam. No way.

 I know of ladies that showcase several types of makeup on a normal day. You need to see them during exam periods. The blush would have been flushed with stress. The fancy eyelashes would have been occupied with wrinkles and the fancy dimples would have been hosting a vast array of pimples. Can we now say Examination period is a period that fade away beauty? The impact is even lesser on the beautiful ones. It is more fatal for the ugly ones- I mean those that need heavy touches of makeup to dissociate themselves from the company of monkeys. This period is really harsh for people that fall into this category. They suffer rejection everywhere even from their own personal mirror.

This period does not exclude the male folks. It’s just that the invention of deodorants and perfumes have cushioned the potential global warming that would have been caused by the stench of their underwear. If only one can have an inner eye to see beyond the trousers you will see the headquarter of dirt. I don’t want to talk too much about it so that concerned people will not sue me.

I don’t want to digress too much. My major reason for writing this piece is to tell you about my experience when I wrote my first UME (University Matriculation examination) conducted by JAMB.

I woke up that morning and hurriedly rushed to the bathroom. I read overnight so my head was still very heavy. As I was having my bathe I tried to recall everything I have read so as to be on the safer side. In a matter of minutes I was ready to go. Before I left I went to my mum’s room and she prayed her traditional long prayers that almost got me late for the exam. I had to craftily conclude the prayer on my own. I could still remember her last prayer point. She said. “The angels shall deliver a divine expo for you” I said Amen and hurriedly rushed out. I got to the exam centre a little bit late. I begged the supervisor and he allowed me in. The supervisor ushered me to a seat beside another guy who apparently was an albino. Then we started the examination. The comprehension passage was about Albinism. What a coincidence? I noticed the way the albino guy beside me was uncomfortable with the passage. To further aggravate the situation, the first question under the Biology section was also about albinism. The question involves a test cross between two albinos and they ask us to determine the blood group of the albino offspring. I didn’t know the answer but I believed sitting beside an albino must be the divine expo my mum prayed about earlier on so I whispered to the guy “Mr. yellow Please what is your blood group?”  The guy replied with an offensive look and whispered in Yoruba “Broda se e ya were? ´ Meaning “Are you sure you are not mad? I replied,  ” no offence, I just needed a natural answer to the question”. The albino looked away and ignored me. Still in the dilemma of answering the question, I started looking around in the exam hall then I noticed that the lady sitting in front of me is busy copying answers from her mobile phone. I was shocked. I couldn’t take it. I felt sorry for her because the exam centre is being fully guarded by military officials. She was the one copying I was the one shaking. I was vibrating so much that one of the supervisors started suspecting me. He asked me to stand up and then search my body thoroughly. He became discouraged with the search when he got to my armpit region because I had stored packages there waiting for him to enjoy. He ordered me to sit down and warned me to deactivate my vibration mode.

With less than one hour to go I still have two subjects I have not touched at all. I didn’t know why my brain decided to hibernate at such a crucial period. In Intense desperation I whispered to the lady in front of me to pass her phone across to me or else I will implicate her. To my greatest surprise she agreed and passed the phone to me skilfully without arousing any suspicion .Immediately I collected the phone I realised I am done for. Something I have never done before. Every part of my body was shaking. My eyelids were dilating and sweats gathered round my forehead. You don’t need to be an expert before you know I am culpable. I started having an unusual urge to visit the loo. My pants is already getting wet with the incessant drop of urine. My OMR sheet started floating as though I am in the middle of the sea. Suddenly, I heard a loud and military like voice from the back “Get up now”. I trembled where I was. I don enter yawa. I whispered to myself. The voice yelled again Í said Get up now” I rolled over on my bed. It was my Dad’s voice waking me to get up and get ready for my Exam. It has been a dream all along. Now the reality has dawned on me. It is now time to write the exam in real life contrary to the ugly experience I had in my dream. My dad drove me to the exam centre. I hurriedly entered the exam hall and I was shown my seat. I sat down and looked right to check out my partner only to see an albino smiling at me. The die is cast. My greatest fear has been confirmed. My dream is now reality.Still in that dilemma I suddenly heard a loud voice from outside. It was the supervisor’s voice dishing out instruction. Gradually the voice fade away and it was replaced with a more familiar voice saying “Get down. I wish you all the best” . It was my Dad’s voice again. We had gotten to the exam centre. I had fallen asleep in the car again.

N;B my twitter handle is no longer @damilarin its now @Asiricomedy