BadBerry

I can never forget the day I got a blackberry. I woke up feeling high. My uncle, Mr Akin had promised to send my Black berry that very day. In anticipation I already got a parking space for the blackberry, sorry, I mean charging space. Out of excitement, I completed all my household chores earlier than usual after which I stood at the entrance of our house awaiting the arrival of my BB. At around 9:30 that morning, someone knocked on our   gate, I quickly rushed down only to discover that it was Kasali, our drycleaner. ‘Wetin u dey   find? ” I asked him.” Oga say make I come carry him shuit wash”. He replied. I am not surprised at the way he pronounced suit. He is suffering from S syndrome. He pronounces sugar as zoogar too. “Go and carry it inside” I replied and resume my hopeful position. Not quite long there was another knock on our door. This time around, I am fully sure that my BB has arrived; I adjusted my collar and moved proudly to the gate. I opened the gate only to see a cripple man. “Wetin u dey find?” I asked.  The man replied, I dey sell Aporo jedi, Agunmu iba, Agbo ifo (meaning he sells Antidote for malaria, pile and eczema). I was very angry but I was still calm. I told him softly that in our house, we don’t buy such things that no one has such conditions in our family. The man spotted a big baseball like pimples on my forehead and he spontaneously exploited the situation. “Broda, Aporo pimples naa wa” (Brother, I have antidote for pimples too). I smiled at his cleverness and replied “Don’t mind my pimples it is as a result of my principles”. Seeing that I am adamant he turned back and limped off.  Before he left, I gave him a stern warning never to knock on our door again. The man really annoyed me but when you live in the south-western part of Nigeria   you are bound to encounter people like this.

                Gradually, I am beginning to run out of patience. I called my uncle again. “The man left like an hour ago, He will be there any minute. Be patient”. That was my uncle’s response on phone.  His response further assured me. While I waited I already started thumb rehearsal.  You know when you use a BB; it is your thumb that suffers. I know of one of my friend then, whose thumb became flat like a spatula owing to excessive BB usage. I don’t want my story to be like that, so I already got a BB glove.

  Suddenly I heard a light knock on the door. This time around I was fully convinced that it’s the man. My BB has arrived eventually. I opened the gate, only to see a heavily bandaged man with fresh bruises on the forehead and chin. He looked like a refugee but the contrasting issue is, he was wearing a suit. How will a man with such bruises be wearing a suit.?  Is it not an insult to the corporate world?  “Good afternoon sir, I greeted him. He replied and asks “Are you the one bearing Ade”. I replied yes. ” Your brother asked me to deliver something to you”.  Hearing that, I smiled uncontrollably revealing my brown teeth.  I ushered him in enthusiastically. The man was sweating so I switched the fan on. I wanted to make the bearer of my BB comfortable. I was the only one at home that day.  I stayed back basically because of this man.

                Without wasting time, He opened his bag and brought out a carton and handed it over to me. The carton look dented and rough, “He must have placed something on it” I assumed. Who cares about carton? I am interested in the content of the carton. I was about opening it, when the man clears his throat to talk. “I am sorry Bro; I had an accident on the bike while coming. A car ran over my bag and these are the remains of your package”. My eyes flashed like lightning. I opened the carton and i saw the phone.  The screen was a total definition of black out.  It was no longer a QWERTY keyboard. It was a CASUALTY keyboard. The scars on the phone and the one on the man’s face were very similar. Obviously they both suffered the same fate. The only thing that was still intact in the carton was the charger. My heart was shattered.  What will I tell my expectant friends? The only solution out of this mess is for me to just be posing about with the charger.

Indeed my BB was delivered but it wasn’t a BlackBerry, it was a BadBerry.

(C) Damilare Osundare (ASIRI)

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